She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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