So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
