I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sext me about skeletons
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
