Sry I called you an 8
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize