i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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