guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
