I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
