I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
