Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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