Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
