I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
