I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize