You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
