This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
