Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
