I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Can you bring me the toilet please
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
