woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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