I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
