I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
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