that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
