ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
