Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
