My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
