I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
