Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
