You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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