we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
