good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
