I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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