i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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