Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i think my cat just said my name.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
