Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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