i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
