i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
