dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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