My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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