turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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