If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
