i would punch a child for taco bell
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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