I wish I could teleport
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
