chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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