I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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