i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize