I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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