non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
