I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize