wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
