dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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