Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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