Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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