Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
