Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
