Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
