I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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