no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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