maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
