I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize