I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
