I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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